Searching for a Place Called Home

In this past year and a half since my last blog post, so many big and small, beautiful and challenging events and transitions have unfolded that it feels like they all blend together in a surreal blur of images, painted on a mosaic tapestry of flowing vignettes.  Within this painting however, there are focus points that are incredibly clear in my memory representing significant moments and markers along the way.  Life has a funny way of moving forward so fast, sometimes like a whirlwind and other times like a cool breeze, that you don’t realize all that is happened in a short time; if you don’t catch your breath, the next thing occupies your attention before you had a chance to look back and see how far you’ve come and all that has evolved around you.

The biggest and most significant event that happened in this period of time was the birth and growth of my son Gabriel Lucas, a true treasure who I cherish every day; we continue to be amazed at how fast he is developing.  The name “Gabriel” means God is my strength and “Lucas” means light-giving or illumination.  He was born the night of June 5^th 2015 (just 2 days apart from my own birth date) at a private hospital in Lisbon, Portugal via c-section and weighed about 7 pounds (3.2 kilos).  Since then, he has grown to be a very active, determined, and incredibly cute and charismatic 15 month old toddler who has a smile that will melt you and a fierce curiosity to figure out how things work and interact with everyone.  Truly our pride and joy.  He is already pointing to things he knows, expressing his needs clearly, and sounding out so many pre-language sounds. Hearing him say da-da-da at about 7 months was super exciting for me as well as the day he started to walk—on Father’s day!

Sara (my wife) and I spent Christmas 2014 in the US and in Portugal after she had finished her contract in Timor Leste, and then we decided to spend the first part of 2015 in two in different places, she in Portugal and me in Timor Leste, because she was 4 months pregnant and I had to go back to finish my contract. I stayed there until May to finish up my project work, travel to Nepal for a work trip on child health, sell all our stuff and say goodbye to my colleagues at ChildFund and in Timor, then move back to Lisbon to be with Sara and Maria, in preparation for the birth. Those were difficult days being apart, full of some tears but she was able to visit me and had a pretty smooth second trimester.  In Lisbon, we took pre-natal classes on breastfeeding and basic baby care with a home based nurse, which was super helpful and reduced some anxiety I felt about being a new father.  We also spent time buying a crib, stroller and other baby basics, both feeling overwhelmed with emotion and readiness for the little guy to join us out in the world.  Maria would even ask her mommy to open her mouth so she could call down to Gabriel to pop out alreadyJ During that time, I was working remotely to finalize my deliverables with ChildFund and Sara was struggling with back pain, gestational diabetes, while Maria continued to go through her Pre-K classes at a private school there.  Finally the day came when Sara had so much pain from intermittent contractions that we went to the emergency room and they said much of her amniotic fluid had shrunk and we had to deliver that night; so we had a planned c-section.  The delivery was quite incredible and after lots of pleading with the OBGYN doc, she let me cut the cord… normally they don’t let the hubby do that there with a c-section.  The first time I laid eyes on him, I was amazed how big yet fragile he was.  He did fine on the apgar and the nurse put his cheeks to our cheeks… incredible!  While they completed the operation with Sara, I was with Gabe in post-op, holding him very carefully and reading Psalm 139 to him, pondering how God made him so fearfully and wonderfully! 

The next several months were filled with emotional highs including his first smile and first bite of real food as well as the hard lows of breastfeeding pain (and post-op recovery), long nights with zombie like days.  Having a visit from my parents and sister and her kids was a nice break, as we travelled to the southern beaches of Portugal.  At 3 months of age, he transitioned fully to taking milk from the bottle, while I was spending time searching for a job; we had decided to move to the US at the end of the year to start a new life together, lay down roots and establish our home, just the 4 of us.  Before leaving, we enjoyed several day trips to historical spots in the Portugal, working out at the gym, watching Maria connect with her new baby brother, bonding with Sara’s parents and other in-laws, and also taking an intensive Portuguese course at the local university.  Eu falo melhor agora (I speak better now), but still lots to learn.  I’m grateful to have a multi-cultural and dynamic family of global citizens; I somehow always felt that this would be the case for me.

In November, I worked hard with Sara’s mom to prepare a full turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and invited friends, family and a neighbor over to celebrate this American holiday in Lisbon, which was very memorable… they loved the food!  We also took a very important trip to Guinea Bissau to meet Maria’s biological father, give her a chance to connect with one of her home countries and her own family so she doesn’t forget where she came from, and also have a chance for her to see that she can have two dads without rejecting either.  This trip was well worth it because her father made it clear to her that she should consider me as her father and he granted us all the legal rights to care for her.  Sara also connected with her old friends and achieved more peace about all these complex relationships.

In December, we finally made the big move back to the US to stay with my parents, and spent the first few months of this year near Harper’s Ferry, West Virginia, while I looked for a job.  Sara and the kids meanwhile got adjusted to the new, difficult, and somewhat isolated, cold and snowy life in a rural area in the winter.  Tensions were high at times and the waiting was painful but we survived.    

Maria adapted well to her local school (Kinder) in West Virginia, made new friends, got to know my side of the family even more, and enjoyed her snow days off from school. Sara started a new course in coaching while we received help from a local babysitter. Gabe learned to roll/sit/crawl, sleep longer, and of course charmed us with his amazing belly laugh, while Maria entertained him with songs and dances.  He especially fell in love with baby Einstein shows, listening to objects spoken in different languages, and getting a kick out of the puppets!  Maria was exposed to fast food for the first time, eating at burger king and saying she didn’t understand why they call it fast food when she eats it so slowly!!  Both Sara and Maria referred to me more as her daddy which I consider a milestone in my relationship with my stepdaughter.

In early Spring, after lots of apartment hunting and job searching, we decided to move to a cozy two bedroom apartment in downtown Silver Spring, Maryland.  Around Easter time, I finally had a breakthrough and I was offered a job with ICF International as a senior associate to support several community health projects… ah ha! The Resurrection made real to me in many ways this year.  We yet again relocated ourselves to a new place, moving into our new pad, and making it a new home.  All these changes can't be easy for our little ones but they seem to bounce back and be so resilient! Maria switched again to her third school in Kinder and I started to work as full time staff in mid-April.  ICF is a consulting firm specializing in many sectors with a broad health/development portfolio, including running national health surveys with partners in over 90 impoverished countries. 

Gabe reached his big milestone in June this year- when he turned one year old and then learned to walk a few days later... 10 big steps for a little man!  Now he is nearly running, nearly talking, chewing chunks of food with his new teeth, and adjusted well into a full-time home based local day care as a 15 month old, while Sara scales up her schedule with life coaching work and I continue to be involved in interesting projects at ICF.  Summertime went by so fast yet there were plenty of memorable moments, including Sara’s trip to Portugal with the kids, lots of play dates and summer camps (theater and tennis), tending to the garden with Maria, watching the veggies grow, and Gabe’s babbling with his younger “friend” at day care when falling asleep.  The other big news for our family was Sara and Maria being awarded their green cards (legal permanent residence in the US) and purchasing a second car, enabling us all to have more independence and settle into life here. 

As we start the new school year-- Maria, who is now 6 years old, began first grade already at the same local public school where she ended Kindergarten.  Its part of the Montgomery County system which was the same school system I attended as a kid actually!  As the weather starts to cool down and the leaves begin to change colors, I am reminded that all of that we have built and experienced is a gift from above that could change at any time, so I am thankful for each day.  Family life for Sara and I is definitely challenging at times... just to find time to get good rest, to exercise, meditate, read, and enjoy other things that bring balance but life is often busy so we seek to simplify and find ways to fit these in.  This is our new home that we have longed and searched for and we hope to be stateside for the next several years before the travel bug hits us again.  Maria is bonding more with her brother, new friends and cousins, one with whom she does regular dance presentations and another who is graduating from boot camp, and Gabe continues to be a happy and healthy child.  Sara and I hope to get a few date nights in soon, now that he sleeps better, and looking forward to short trips and other new adventures ahead.  Stay tuned for the next chapter!

A Brand New Life

This new chapter in my life Has Been an extraordinary adventure and blessing.  Most who are reading this already know that  I got married to my girlfriend Sara in early July of this year and I have become a stepfather to her daughter Maria.  So now that I'm a family man, living and working in a place far from home, never thinking or predicting that here in Dili I would have become a proud husband and father!   Of course, I'm really happy to be in this exciting position in my life right now, so grateful for each day with all the new love and relationships surrounding me, and looking forward to life with my own family.   It feels surreal bit that my life Circumstances have changed so much (for the better) just in the span of one year, from single to married, from riding my bicycle home after work to driving a car to pick up my stepdaughter from school, from living out of the hotel to a nice sized house, from watching the live performance to dancing on stage, Among many other good changes.   All of this is an unexpected gift, with such responsibility and joy at the same team That It Seems Like I'm Living Out ​​the story (or at least the desire) that was running in my mind years ago ... and I Wondered if it would ever come to pass.   I guess you can say we have a modern family, writing out the chapters of our own story we live it out the each day.   Being thankful in prayer and loving in our actions has made ​​this experience so much sweeter Despite the challenges and Complexities que come with the new marriage of three lives coming together the one team.

You can see some of the highlights of our Activities over the last few months at this link on my web gallery page which I can resend to you if you don't have it.

In June, we spent most of the month planning for our wedding with the help of a professional wedding planner, Which was a good decision because We Were Both crazy busy with work and There Were just too many details to sort October   We got married on July 5 ^th at the Portuguese Embassy in Dili and our reception was at the local golf course ... Both of Which went really well, because Especially Both of our parents flew in to Dili to celebrate with us.   The whole in-law experience went well, with chemistry good and bonding between my dad and her dad and her mom and my mom, As They spent several days together before the big ceremony.   Our first dance together was the waltz and thanks to my wife's instruction, my dad was able to learn the waltz in the day to prepare for the big ceremony.   Our dance group Also Performed a Timorese traditional dance and salsa circle dance called "rueda" during the reception along with some nice speeches and words of wisdom from our fathers.     

   

After the wedding, Sara and I enjoyed a week in Bali (Gili Islands) for our honeymoon, where we did some snorkeling to see sea turtles and just enjoyed being together and Then We went back to Bali, with Mary, the few months later just to get a bit of a break from the routine.   We spent lots of time at the gym, hosting BBQ dinners with friends, going out to dance and chill with friends, watching TV and reading series, in the midst of childcare and work.   Lots of responsabilidades but we still fit in some leisure time.    Maria, who is 4 years old, keeps life interesting for us, Especially When She makes up new languages ​​/ words to sing along to hip hop songs and walks around the house in her mother's high heels, purse and belly-dancing clothes, acting like she is always on stage.  In October, she redbourn first place in the fashion show at her school Actually, In Which she Represented Guinea Bissau (her native country) with her ​​dress so she is definitely a natural performer.   She will often Do give us a spontaneous dance performances at home on the weekends, somehow remembering her mom's choreography from months ago or give her rendition of "Let It Go" of the Frozen soundtrack.   And When its time to the chores , she insists on helping us with every house chore, even if she does it 10 times slower ... once she gets a broom, she can not let it go, she has to sweep by herself J  She stays busy in pre-school During the day from 8-5pm at 2 different schools and really enjoys making shapes, coloring, counting, and playing with her ​​peers.   All three of us have had plenty of good moments, but have felt que lately, life in Timor has not Been easy and Both we feel ready to move on sometime next year. 

Overall, our work life Has Been challenging Both of us in different ways we balance the family, fun, and delivering on our deadlines, along with the frustration and shock of having our home nearly broken into ... In which the thief was unsuccessful because of the strong bars on our windows.   In Dili, over the past few months, we've dealt with insects / rodent problems in our home, which is common in tropical countries, as well as blackouts, crazy drivers, national legal battles/scandals that threatened Sara's job security, and staff challenges at my job ... but these are the sort of points of tension and struggle that are common in living abroad and working in development.   We feel we have contributed to the development of the people of Timor in our time here but we are a bit tired both and ready for a rest. 

Matters of the Heart

Laughter, gratefulness, joy, play, contentment, confidence, hope, strength, faith, teamwork, friendship, spontaneity, openness, commitment, risk, relationship, meditation, reflection, renewal, poetry, prayer, inner power, wisdom, and most of all love…..  these words describe some of what I have felt and experienced in the last five months since my last blog entry.  Check out the private link I sent out to my photo gallery to get a sense of what all of this looks like for me.  If you have not seen it, then email me and I can send it to you.  

I said a prayer during Christmas last year, giving thanks for all the good gifts in my life but I asked God for help to restore some sense of balance and happiness to my life after a long and hard year of working abroad…. and that prayer has been answered ten fold.  My quality of life has improved so much since December that I still have to pinch myself sometimes to check if this is all really happening.  Here are some of the good things that have unfolded recently:  my Timorese health team is responding better to me and connecting with me on a personal and professional level, our team successfully launched the new Korean funded Maternal Child Health project and a birth registration project, I lost over 20 pounds by eating and exercising A LOT, I moved to a new apartment and bought a new motorbike which makes life so much more enjoyable and accessible, my mom came to visit me in March here in Dili and we had some good bonding time, I started learning Portuguese and joined the dance group again to learn a new salsa choreography, and THE most important and life-giving development in my life is falling in love with my dear friend and dance partner Sara. 

Sara is from Portugal and works as a legal advisor to the public defender here in Dili.  She and I are continuing to rehearse with the salsa dance group and hope to perform again in the coming months.  As she and I start building our lives together with her beautiful 4-year old daughter Maria, I ask myself how could I possibly be so lucky and so blessed, other than just to acknowledge it must all be part of the bigger plan.  Now I realize, more than ever before, that when love hits you, you just feel it in your bones… its unmistakable and undeniable; it sinks into you deep down like an anchor in the ocean depths that doesn’t let go… an anchor to a place that feels like home.  She met my mom so I hope that very soon, she has a chance to meet many of you who are reading this entry.

During the last few months, I’ve been able to witness breathtaking sunsets, go out to new restaurants and social dance sessions, host a barbeque housewarming dinner at my new place with coworkers,  visit Jaco Island to snorkel amidst the intricate and colorful fish and coral, and chill out at the beach and camp and swim from time to time (and even wakeboard near Dili).  This time I didn’t do this alone as I have done in the past;  doing all these things with Sara makes all of this so much better.  Meeting her friends, playing with her daughter, and exploring the world together are some of the new and exciting things happening now.     

Work is going pretty well, however I have not been to the field a lot.  I have little time for development of my technical skills b/c most of my time is consumed with staff management and hiring, supporting local partner staff projects, monitoring budgets and lots of team meetings.  I enjoy the work but it is not consuming my life like it did last year, which is a welcome change for me and for the people around me.  As I open up more to people around me, let them into my inner world, I truly feel that life itself and all its hidden gifts and surprises opens up to me and it’s a positive cycle of giving and receiving in the natural order of things with the stuff that really matters—relationships.  My body, mind, and spirit are in a much better place now compared to last year;  I look at the sun in the morning and evening with a new sense of awe and appreciation.  Love is flowing in me and through me, swirling around me, and carrying me forward each day.     All of this may sound new, a bit over the top… a bit different from my past blog updates, but life has offered me something new and I am partaking in it and committing to it with a full and whole heart and happy to share this with friends and family.  No hesitations, not holding back, and giving myself to the moment and to the people in my life.  I believe that the near and distant future holds many good promises and I am looking forward what unfolds and to sharing this unfolding process with those who are reading this.

Dancing Days and Precious Moments

Liberata, 32, with 5 children. “It’s difficult to take my children to the hospital because it is far and we have no transport money; its $5 using a mikrolet [local bus].  We get money from planting corn, beans, cassava and selling them in the local market, but we use this money to support the children at school and buy food for the family.  When they are sick, I take them to the [recently repaired] clinic to get medicine. Last month I took Saturnina to the clinic and then she was referred to the hospital because “she had a respiratory infection.”   Now Liberata and her children can walk easily to the clinic, which our organization rehabilitated and just inaugurated this month.  The clinic is now staffed by a doctor, nurse, and midwive.  – interview on Dec 4, 2013

The last 6 months in Timor Leste have been action packed, but the top highlight was the dance performance (2 times), in front of crowds over a hundred people; one at a hotel and the other at a sports complex with my new friends (see the photo gallery).  I decided it was time to meet more people and do something I am passionate about- Latin dance- so I took some classes and found myself agreeing to perform in public.  There were 12 of us who practiced for months to master the choreography sequence; mostly Portuguese and a couple of Aussies and Americans and a Timorese guy.  We put together quite a show of various styles: belly dance, oriental solo, bollywood, tango, kizomba, bachata and waltz/salsa.  I only danced the latter 2 styles, but it was so much fun and lots of work, with 3-4 practice sessions per week. 

“Stay grounded, keep centered, knees bent slightly, feel the rhythm and let the beat carry your hips forward…you will be fine, just smile at the audience and have fun!” -- guidance from my dance instructor/partner and my friend Sara.  I take these words as a life lesson. The whole experience taught me some valuable lessons of teamwork, confidence, balance, coordination, posture, and going with the flow, so all that practice was worth it.  I never would have guessed that I would get that opportunity in Dili, but dance performance is pretty popular here.  At the Timorese version of “So you think you can dance” in Dili (a separate event), there were over 7 groups of teenage dancers showing their salsa-kizomba skills and mash-ups of traditional Timor and modern dance/hip hop music.   Pretty talented!

There is plenty of activities that kept me busy every day --work, tennis lessons, some chill time, dancing, etc. but I’m finding that it’s a lot of busy-ness and not much time is left for being-ness, which is a tricky balance for most people, so I am glad to have this time of rejuvination after a year of service abroad…. to pray, spend time at with loved ones, reflect, and read.   Its been a good year but as usual, my expectations are too high so I am re-calibrating and re-prioritizing and seeking now to achieve a bit better physical and spiritual health, which has been a bit compromised with all the work.  Seeking to improve community health and building cross-cultural bridges are things that are deeply meaningful to me and I enjoy the work, but it’s not easy. I am however, learning the importance of wellness and good health in my own life as I serve others, which can be draining at times.  Striving towards wellness, in all dimensions, for myself and for those around me, is a priority for 2014 as I seek to build my technical skills and spiritual disciplines. 
 

We recently received news from our donor about the big health proposal...  Thanks to the efforts of our team and for the kindness of the Korean people (and of course some help from the big Man above), we were awarded a 3 year grant to carry out a maternal and child health project in rural Timor, which will start next year.  The project will involve teaching volunteers to help families manage common childhood illnesses at the household level, rebuilding clinics, and training government health staff.  Starting such a 3 yr project is a bit daunting, knowing I am the lead manager on this, but I’m happy to have a supportive boss as we build our team.    I will also be starting a small birth registration project with our team next month so a lot will be on my plate, in addition to writing new proposals and managing old projects.  Many Timorese families don’t register their children at birth, either because they are born at home and there is no follow up, or the priest gives a new name at baptism, which nullifies the registered name.  We were happy to also complete our malaria project, in which no malaria cases were reported in our project area and now families are equipped with bed nets, although our volunteers will receive much less support. 

Our team participated in several trainings in the past few months on how to build awareness around disability, on disaster risk reduction, on youth financial literacy, and behavior change communication, increasing their skill set as they advise our local partners and field staff to better serve children and their families.  Staffing issues have been challenging, especially motivating some staff, which have delayed some of original project plans, so I’ve had done a few coaching sessions and feel I am connecting with our health staff, but its slow.  Our regional director visited in August and was impressed with the progress our staff are making, as he witnessed our volunteers educate moms on malaria prevention and he played with kids at our revitalized Early Childhood Development center.  One of the farmer groups in the area he visited has started their own chicken and gardening project with just a few resources that we gave them, and appears sustainable so far.  Our other local staff teams went to learn about successful projects in Indonesia and shared lessons with us. 

In October, we held a big march and song & theatre performance with exhibition tables at our 75^th anniversary and in November, I attended a training in Bangkok, Thailand on a new software package for business development (see gallery photos).  The Buddhist temples in Bangkok are breathtaking and other-worldly and the tuk-tuk drivers (motor taxis with cabs) are quite entertaining.   My colleagues and I took a 1 hour detour through the city because the tuk-tuk guy was convinced we needed a “happy” massage, completely misinterpreting our message to find a place to go shopping.  We finally took a taxi home, but it was funny watching the facial responses of my former boss during this little fiasco, not knowing where we would end up.   

In December, we held an inauguration ceremony of a rural government clinic that we renovated (mentioned above), which was a big achievement for us and interviewed some families.  Just this past week I started my home leave and visited Bali, then went to see some friends in Sumatra- Indonesia, which was my first time to this part of the country.  Beautiful land and kind people!  I took a nice long shower in very tall waterfall, chatted with the locals, and had a chance to reconnect with old friends.  Finally the holidays have arrived so time to just chill.  One my fellow salsa dancers is a US navy guy and he had some of us over at his camp for thanksgiving, so it was nice to be with some fellow Americans during this important tradition.   2013 was a good year and I believe 2014 will be even better, God Willing- Maromak Hakarak, full of learning, wellness, imagination, creativity, and new opportunities.

Thriving in a New Home

“There are two things you should remember when you work with the people of Timor Leste.  First keep in mind that this is a new country and capacity of people in rural areas is often low and working with them requires patience and understanding;  Second, if you work together in cooperation with the Timorese and you don’t impose your way on them, then they will be open sharing themselves with you, but if you come with all of the answers, they will resist you, as they have done to occupiers in the past.”  This is a paraphrased quote from my Timorese co-worker who responded to the question of how foreigners can best work alongside the local population in the process of development.  It is advice that I have taken to heart and I’m trying to apply it in my daily work and personal life here in this beautiful, challenging, complicated, and peaceful country. 

Over the past three months, I’ve been super busy, handling a truckload full of work duties (reports/meetings/field visits/proposals), and it’s just now easing up a bit so I can breathe being that the financial year of my organization is over, which ended on June 30^th.   I spent most of April finalizing a proposal for a 3 year maternal child health project, which we submitted to the Korean Aid Agency in mid-May, so we hope to hear soon about the decision on that.  I am praying that we are given this $800k grant b/c I feel that it really meets a need and it will be exciting to help launch a brand new project.  My health team members and I hosted a couple monitoring visits with donors from Australia, and also did some team building activities in the midst of finishing out our spending/implementation of the two health projects.   May/June was a bit crazy but we achieved nearly all of our targets, so of course we are all super happy about that.  Our team went out for a lunch to celebrate and actually, I’ve had a chance to hang out with various co-workers on different occasions in the last couple months, getting to know them a bit better; going to movies, the beach, playing pool, and special dinners. 

In fact, my boss invited me and my other expat co-workers to his house for a nice dinner on my birthday, which was refreshing to be out of the office to get to know my colleagues a bit better.  Earlier that day, my co-workers gave me a bitter-sweet surprise for my birthday, which as flattering but startling at the same time.  The national staff decided to gang up and make me believe that one of my staff was going to quit b/c I was “too harsh” in correcting/editing one of her reports!!  Imagine what that was like!  They all crowded around me, staring at me, and accusing me of misconduct at work in their very convincing acting mode and even took pictures, which shocked me of course... then all the sudden they said "surprise, just kidding!!" They told me that they do that for people they really care about and the tension, followed by the relief of smiles, was meant to bring me closer to them and make the surprise sweeter; the sweetness included a nice little choco-coconut cupcake.  I took it lightly, and saw the sentiment behind it, but honestly I was shocked and embarrassed at the moment, then happy with all the love they gave me afterward.   Strangely, after that bitter-sweet moment, I do feel closer to them now, and the members of my team seem to trust me and open up to me, so I’m happy about that.  

I was actually concerned when I first got here about how to be a good leader; one who can inspire and earn the trust and motivation of the staff, but I’m slowly learning how to do that through building my relationship with each person at the office and in the field.  The national staff members try to get me to sing at their karaoke event every Friday at the office, but I refuse b/c I can’t sing, however I did bust a few dance moves when they sung country.  They have pretty good voices, especially singing to John Denver’s “Country Roads!”  Aside from that, even though one of my staff members had some serious personal issues he had to deal with and had to resign last week, we are pressing on and the all the sector teams are growing stronger.  I’ll see what my boss is says at my upcoming performance evaluation meeting, but I’m confident that change is slowly happening. 

Our local partner colleagues were a bit more difficult to work with during the annual planning process last month, and many were resistant to change,  preferring to repeat the easy patterns of the past (activity-based projects), rather than focusing on results or impact.  When presenting new ideas to our local partners on how to improve the impact of their health projects using a structured framework for next fiscal year, only a few of them paid attention to the session and afterward, one of them actually asked me not to give them any orientation, but just let them do their plan as they did in the past.  I knew there would be challenges in the field, but maybe not this intense.  Sometimes I wonder if this line of work is really what I am supposed to be doing in my life right now, when the work never seems to end and I’m writing tons of reports and trying to keep my team on task, but then I remember those moments when I connect on a personal level with someone from a different race, class, and culture and realize it’s all worth it.  I think I’d rather be working within a culture and people different than myself than anywhere else at this time in my life. When I look honestly at myself and my skills and interests, I feel that [at least for now] I was meant to work cross-culturally, to organize projects, to lead, learn from, and teach others, to find solutions to tough public health problems, and to be out of my comfort zone.  

The US is my home country and my roots are American, but when I was back there last year and also after returning from the Peace Corps, the US didn’t really feel like it was meant to be my permanent home.  I am realizing more and more that my home is where I in am in the world, doing what I am passionate about, and being fully absorbed in the socio-cultural-historical context where I am serving and living.  The challenge I have now is truly finding my home and thriving here, rather than just surviving day to day to complete the next task.   I hope to settle down in one place for a longer period of time with a family of my own, but I am still finding new ways of what it means to “settle down” as I sojourn through this world in the different adventures and chapters of my life.  Maybe in the future, I will settle in the countryside with my little garden and happy and relaxed life, but life isn’t that simple and there is much work to do. 

Last month, I joined one of my co-workers to celebrate her daughter’s first communion at a local beach, being that over 90% of the population here is Catholic.  I had a chance to get to know her family and had lots of fun playing on the beach with all of the kids from her extended family who completely surrounded me, asking me who is my favorite football player and insisting on calling me “mister, mister” despite telling them my name at least 5 times!  The kids did enjoy the game “monkey in the middle” when I showed them how to play but they didn’t seem to understand the famous “chicken fight” game, which is fine.  No need to push each other!  I had a great conversation with the secretary of state of Asian affairs at the celebration, who is the relative of our admin staff.  In the office, I stay pretty busy with planning and reporting, but the English skills of many staff still need a lot of work and sometimes I find myself having to nearly re-write reports.  I struggle to communicate basic things with some staff, which takes a lot of time, so patience is really a virtue in this work.  Nevertheless, I’m learning more Tetum when I go to the field and learning how to work with my expat colleagues.  I have had chances to get to know a few other expats in town, doing some networking, but need to get out more.  My Filipina friend/co-worker left to work in another Asian country so I’m a bit sad she left since I felt she was one of the few who really understood my style and I could relate to her well, but I’m meeting more peeps over time.  This job is a lot about how to relate better to people, including my boss(es), even more than the projects themselves and if one of my co-workers benefits from my teaching, that is great, but I’m probably benefitting more from what they teach me about myself and the world. 

I am looking forward to a break in Bali in the next couple months and also to my dad’s visit to Dili next week.  He’ll be here on a consultant assignment and also to visit me, so we’ll have a chance to tour around the island.  I was fortunate to visit Jaco Island to the east on their independence day weekend (May 20)  to do some snorkeling, and got to know a few Aussies, Brits, and Timorese, as well as see an amazing sting ray and elaborate coral reef formation.  In March, I was also lucky enough to join my pastor and his family to fly over Dili in a small airplane run by “Mission Aviation Fellowship” and got to see the city from a whole new perspective (check out the pics on picasa)… pretty amazing being in those little planes.  I also was able to visit Atauro Island to the north with some co-workers and enjoy some tasty fish and swimming clear blue water, so I’ve been able to sneak in a bit of leisure time.  Of course, having a nice balance of work and fun is the goal, so am striving towards that.

Cultural Shape Shifting

Adjusting to life in Dili is not as easy as I thought it might be and the people are teaching me more about myself each day but I’m at peace about living here and happy to be in this place.    Living in another culture totally different from my own is not a new experience for me however each new cross cultural experience brings its own challenges different from the rest, and its own interesting and unexpected moments.  Even after all my years adjusting and adapting to new environments, I can’t help but notice the small things that are quite different from life back home and from life in Africa and the Caribbean, unique to this place.  These include vegetable carts with booming disco music to attract customers, locals walking around 15-20 minutes in a store with their motorbike helmet on b/c there is nowhere to store it (tons of bikers here), the elaborate gift giving system between family members when someone dies (sometimes beyond the means that people can afford--including up to 10 buffalos and $1000 to the family of the deceased), and the unique blend of animist and Catholic traditions in the faith of everyday people.  I am so impressed but often confused when I hear conversations of locals mixing words of the local language, Indonesian, English, and Portuguese in the same paragraph, so I wonder how I will ever learn Tetum, but I am learning slowly.  I can see the Timorese have a strong sense of autonomy and solidarity, being the one small island out of 17,000 islands that broke free from Indonesia control. 

In the office, I am learning how to better relate to the national staff as I do my work, by accepting that work ethics between their culture and mine is different, and there are always reasons for why people do what they do.  I think the universal need for mutual respect and trust will always win over any cultural differences and I am learning more how to demonstrate that in small and more significant ways.  It feels a bit weird to supervise someone older than me, from another culture, and diplomatically propose new changes and ways of doing things, while building up the natural skills and talents of the staff.  I do however feel that my team is understanding my role more and vice versa… bit of a struggle at first.  Also, trying to negotiate many different cultures in the same office environment can be a tricky, but full of rich learning.  My co-workers at the office come from a variety of countries including Nigeria, India, Pakistan, the Philippines, Indonesia, and of course Timor Leste (national staff).  On top of that, I also spend time networking with people from other agencies who come from Australia, UK, Italy, Nepal, Guatemala, Korea, among others. Of course each culture carries its own way of communicating (accents, lingo, non-verbals) and work ethic and set of expectations so it’s a negotiation process—often very slow, but still fluid and I’m somewhat used to it from my experience living in multiple countries.  I’m finding out how adept or how awkward I can be at times in relating to others, which gives me more self-knowledge and appreciation of others and their unique ways.  Working on projects with others towards a common goal (meeting deadlines) definitely builds awareness of universal things that tie people together…the need for consensus, conflict resolution, as well as the practice of patience, kindness, laughter, and solidarity.  There are frustrating moments when the language barrier seems so thick, its like molasses syrup getting anything done... even the nurses in the field have not changed a 9V battery on their 1 doppler machine for 3 months!! (an important tool for pre-natal check ups).  Lots of lessons to learn every day but being “on point” culturally can be tiring.  It’s kind of like cultural shape shifting, staying who I am but blending into new social situations, shifting/ altering ways of relating to people as the situation demands yet finding ways to build bridges.  So I’m trying to get chill time in the midst of the work.

I know that the experts on cultural studies say that it takes a few months to adjust to a new place and letting go of some of the comforts/habits of one’s own culture and accepting new habits and realities is a process.   Once you stop asking why things happen and accept people are just different all around the world and have their own ways of living/coping/adapting to their environments/cultures, and find a home away from home, then life becomes easier.  I am going through that transition process now, and I feel myself letting go more and more.  Thankfully, my Peace Corps experience has taught me adjust to daily realities different from life in America.  This includes super loud motorbikes without mufflers, total disorder when people line up at cafeterias and corner stores for service, being looked at like an alien in the rural areas, intense humidity/heat, windy and dilapidated roads on field trips, long work days and being a fish out of water, not knowing a lot of people in town, and comfort foods frequently unavailable, even milk!  I am adjusting to those realities without much resistance and have found ways to cherish the unique things of life here, such as abundance of tropical fruits, sights and sounds of the ocean and incandescent sunsets, good cheer of my local co-workers, mandated community clean-up events in the city, and relaxing in my new apartment (with a pool) just by the beach.  I also appreciate all the work of the local and foreign NGOs trying to make life better for the people here and the government officials who sincerely want change for the country.  There are tons of expats here and one can really get engaged in a lot of different social activities if you make the time, which I need to do more of.  I have met people at church and at a few social functions, and I try to get a weekly tennis lesson in so that life here is not all work, but lately, I’ve been working super long days and not sleeping as much as I’d like to.  Slowly but surely, I will find the right balance and rhythm to do my work, to practice necessary disciplines, and to have some fun as well.  The third culture kid in me is finding a way to adjust and drop a bit of my own bias/attitude and pick up the local worldview… sort of a melding of the two which can make me versatile, yet a bit displaced in both the home and the new culture.  It ain’t easy, but its an ebb and flow like the sea on the sand, just slowly being immersed in this new environment and in the end, hopefully reflecting a new me and connecting with people on the way.

I still enjoy the field visits, hand down, for sure.  I went to the field (rural districts) with some colleagues from Korea to learn about the local issues as we write a proposal together with the local staff for a new health grant.  While we were there, we met with community leaders and members, and get an earful of good stuff happening there with our projects, but also complaints from some of the community members about broken promises from local NGOs and our partners.  It’s hard to know both sides of the story without having context but hearing about a plan for a water well that did not come through… a promise made 10 years ago, that still has not been fulfilled was hard to hear.  Many communities assume NGOs will always give stuff, yet its just an assessment of the situation, rather than actual plans.  It’s also hard to hear about the mothers who have to give birth at home with just a traditional birth attendant and have no recourse when the delivery is complicated, leading to increased risk of death and disease.  But those stories and voices need to be heard.  Services are available but they are often inaccessible (sometimes pregnant moms have to walk 5 miles on rough roads to get a pre natal check up), so our job as an NGO is work with the government to increase the access and skills of the workers and the community to manage preventable illnesses through high quality programs and well organized strategies.  I am praying this grant comes through and we hope to have an opportunity to help organize the people to change their own situation (with support of course).    Timor has a long history of foreign occupation, poverty, and freedom fighting, so where there is a threat, opportunities lie ahead.  The people have assets and gifts, especially a legacy of autonomy and standing up for their rights… it’s just a matter of tapping into it and working together with people, to cut through the negative attitudes, corruption, and selfishness, and find a way to build together.  There are definitely priceless special moments that I've experienced here in which I really felt a connection with the people, including my recent field trip in which I received a hand made cloth from a little girl and also had a good feedback session with my co-worker.  So the building together ("hamutuk") is happening bit by bit.  

Shaking Things Up

Living and working in a beachside city located just at the edge of the Pacific “Ring of Fire” brings its excitements and its own set of challenges.  My new home is a place called Dili, the capital of East Timor, commonly known as Timor Leste or Lorosae (loroh-sye).    As I write this blog entry, I am trying to shake off the dizzy feeling I just experienced from a mild 5.8 level earthquake in the ocean about 300 km east of here.  No tsunami, no property damage, and nothing to be concerned about, just feeling that my sense of balance thrown off as the ground shook about 20 seconds.  Actually, moving out here to live on a tropical island for 1.5 yrs to work at a new job, with a new organization and a whole new level of responsibilities, in a place 14 time zones from home, is kind of like the earthquake I just felt; rocking my foundation of comfort and routine, requiring I step out in faith to face all the challenges and opportunities which lie ahead. 

Many local Timorese have asked me, “how do you like our country?”  Honored that I would be welcomed here to work alongside the locals to manage and develop projects, I usually respond to them by saying that “the people are kind and warm, that I really enjoy the beaches and mountains, and that I am happy to be a part of the development process of the youngest nation in Asia.”  Timor Leste was a Portuguese colony for over 400 years and then it was handed back to the Timorese in 1975, only to be conquered again… this time by Indonesia--with support from the US to control the “communist” element--about nine days after the hand-over.  Just 10 years ago, the country celebrated its independence after many hard fought military and political battles, including mass killings, “scorched-earth” destruction of infrastructure, and countless human rights abuses.  On a recent field trip, I came across a super steep cliff called “Jarkata Dua” located in Ainaro district; a place where pro-independence Timorese activists were told by Indonesian-supported militias that they could “study for free” in schools of Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia, which was a lie.  They were tricked, then summarily bound up, loaded into dump trucks, and hurled and pushed off the edge of a 100 meter cliff, tumbling to their death.   This happened to hundreds of local villagers for no reason other than to exterminate them in order to maintain political & military control over the people.  Amazingly, some survived the fall and lived to tell the story.  This was obviously a very sad chapter in Timor history, but things are slowly changing.  Timorese don’t hold any grudges against the Indonesians because they blame the past actions of abuse and conquest on the government, not the people.  Members of both nations work together at my office without any feuds, however Indonesians inside Timor still must tread lightly given the past history. 

Being that it is such a new country, many of the basic things like paved roads, reliable & quality health care, clean water, and a stable food supply are rare in many rural areas, however the government and all the international partners like the UN, World Bank and non-governmental organizations (NGOs), like the one I work for, are making strides in helping the nation achieve its development goals set for 2030.  My job as a health advisor is to manage the technical and administrative elements of grant and sponsorship funded health projects, which includes duties such as staff supervision, monitoring/evaluation, proposal writing, analysis and strategizing, networking, budget management, among others.  I really enjoy my job and all the challenges which come along with living in a new culture and learning a new language.  I suppose I was made for this sort of work, and so far, this seems like the right place for me to be.  My assignment with this organization and the atmosphere here feels like a good fit for me.  The move out here was not a drastic change from my previous work but still enough to shake things up in my life where each day is different from the last and opportunities for problem-solving and creativity come with the territory.

I arrived to Timor Leste on Jan 6 of this year, and I feel like I am adjusting well to social and work life here.  I’ll be starting language classes next month with my co-workers, but I’ve been learning survival words.  Despite this country having over 20 living languages, I am catching on, especially because many words are borrowed from Portuguese, which is similar to Spanish.  Actually, the average Timorese in Dili speaks 3 to 4 languages, but Tetum, the official language, is pretty easy to learn. Obrigadu means “thank you” and diak ka lae means “how are you?”… the pronunciation is mostly phonetic and most people speak in present tense.  Many staff still struggle with English, so that is a major challenge in terms of efficient and effective communication in the office.  I work with six other expats at the office and luckily, the national staff work well with the expats; very open and accepting.  In fact, the local staff has invited us expats to their karaoke events, which they conduct after work every Friday in the meeting room, so I have yet to scare them away with my singing voice!  The UN has run a special peace keeping mission here since 2000, but the mission is closing now and the local police are taking over.  This means the people are very accustomed to seeing foreigners (we are called “Malay” over here).  There are lots of ex-pat activities and so far I’ve attended a few, like the Scottish ritual dinner called “Burns Night” where I ate a not-so-tasty sausage called Haggis and learned how to “strip the willow” (traditional dance).  These events have given me some good work contacts as well.  I also attended an English speaking church a couple times, which has a mix of expats and locals, and visited the local beach called Cristo Rei, where I enjoyed a nice swim in the ocean and visited the famous JESUS statue, much like the one in Rio, Brazil.  I also visited the US Embassy’s “Democracy Ball” to celebrate Obama’s inauguration with the diplomats and NGO community, in addition to meeting up with some of my American friends, who currently work for my previous employer.  Today, I just had my first tennis lesson with a local coach, and hit the ball around a bit with some kids afterwards.  I hope to keep up the exercise schedule and meeting more locals and foreigners at social events in town.   

Currently, I live in a 1 bedroom apartment with internet access and free cleaning service, only about a 7 minute walk from the office, but I will be moving soon to an apartment near the beach within the next week, in addition to buying a new mountain bike.  I’ve had a few meals with my UN neighbors from Abkhazia (a region in the south Caucuses near Russia) who always offer me vodka every time I pass by their apartment.  It would be rude to refuse! I’m pretty exhausted after work and the assignments keep getting piled on top of me.   The local food selection in Dili is quite good and I can find almost all the groceries I need, in addition to some good Thai and Indian food.  Unfortunately, I was sick with typhoid last month, likely from the street food I ate (which I promised myself I won’t eat again), but overall I’m healthy and happy.  It would be cool to have friends and family from the US visit, but I know it’s a long way to travel!  I’m still hoping to see the famed 25 foot pythons and the massive crocodiles as well as the beautiful coral reefs, in addition to the local dances and Tais fabric weaving.  All in good time. The landscape consists mostly of mountains and the scuba diving/snorkeling sites are supposed to be some of the best in the world.  The island itself is shaped like the head of a crocodile, therefore Timorese children are told they all descended from this "Grandpa Crocodile", which is tied into the lore and fables of the culture. 

Timor Leste has a rich culture of dance, music, art, language, and a fierce sense of independence.  It’s a very Catholic country (about 98% of the population) so I’ll be partaking in the holy week activities no doubt and visiting the cathedrals.  On a recent field trip, I was sharing the story of Wizard of Oz with my co-workers, somehow related to a conversation about local healers using magic, which is still common here.  The negative consequence of this is that many villagers delay seeking care for curable diseases like malaria and pneumonia.  Nevertheless, my colleagues loved the story, so I hope to have an Oz watch party at some point.  They also invited me to visit the local medicine man, just to check out the rituals, so I plan to do that.   There was a really cool youth fundraiser last month which I attended, where about 5 groups of teenagers had a hip-hop and capoeira dance-off, kind of like those US dance competition movies, with judges and a rowdy crowd.  Youth in this country--about half the nation is under 18 years of age-- have so much potential but very few opportunities to find a good job, so my colleagues and I are developing new project ideas to create a work/life skill training program. 

 Like many post-colonial countries, poverty levels and tropical disease rates are high, the education system is weak, corruption is rampant, and as usual, the women and children suffer the most here in this island.  The NGO I work for, largely supported by child sponsorship money, and more recently grants from Australia’s Aid agency, has been here since 1990 and has a central staff of over 40 people working with 5 local partner groups to help improve the livelihoods of Timorese children and their families.  Our NGO mission is to improve the well-being of vulnerable and deprived children around the world and to help them become leaders and change agents in their communities.  I have been to the field twice so far (in the east and the south of the country) and have seen this mission in action.  From watching children fetch their water from a local tap rather than the river and learning that mothers can now take their sick children to a clinic which we helped to rehabilitate, I can see change happening.  

The projects I work on right now involve malaria prevention, improving maternal child health, and assisting sub-district clinic leaders to develop micro-plans to increase child immunization rates.  Being a manager is a new experience for me, with its own difficulties and joys, but I am learning as I go how to be a leader.  My co-workers are very engaged and I have a very supportive supervisor, which I am very thankful for, in addition to a supportive ministry of health.  At the end of a recent government meeting on malaria/dengue control conducted in Tetum, I was asked what we could do to support the ministry, and somehow I gave an answer in the midst of dozing off during a meeting which I didn’t fully understand!  Honestly, I have lots of room to be creative, propose new ideas, participate in trainings, and facilitate the development of a strategic plan for the health program with my staff.  In sum, our NGO has a lot of opportunity to grow and I feel I’m developing good relationships with the local staff.  This is a good place for me to be at this time in my life, so let’s see what happens next in this new adventure.   During my time here, I hope to be able to influence the change process in a developing nation, and will undoubtedly be changed, shaped, and even shaken by this experience and all the people I come into contact with. 

In Transition

Once again, I am in a time of transition, in the gray zone, neither here nor there, trying to live into each day while working towards the next steps of the unfolding plan in my life. Everything has it's time and as I am in transition, I realize that like the changing of the seasons, some things must die for new life to flourish, so I'm trying to figure out what that means by being aware and reflective of this moment, of events of the past year, and of myself- my strengths/weaknesses, my passions, and my potential.  Famous science fiction author Isaac Asimov once said, "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that is troublesome."

The last few months have been exciting and a bit tumultuous, filled with several unexpected events.  In June, my supervisor in Tanzania approved me to be a program manager on my final evaluation, however positions were quite limited this year within the agency due to a shift in company strategy, to more of a business model with less positions available globally for ex-pats.   So since that time, I've been making contacts and putting in applications for public health work with other NGOs in Africa, mostly focused on HIV, child health, nutrition and disability oriented projects... and I'm still looking.  Later in June, I visited friends in Dar and also went to the field to participate in a workshop for community health workers on nutrition and the benefits of the orange flesh sweet potato for children (OFSP-especially vitamin A for vision).  I had a chance to enjoy a bunch of different OFSP products -cooked up by the participants, including juice, chips, chapattis (tortillas), and rice, among others.  During June, I also worked as a volunteer to assist the manager of an orphanage with his fundraising strategy and spend more time playing football/soccer with the kids. 

In July, I supported my colleagues with another training on the economic and health benefits of the Moringa tree and continued to assist with budget and evaluation activities of the OVC-orphan vulnerable children-project focused on strengthening the household economy.  I also had the opportunity to visit a traditional dance event near Mwanza, watching young Sukuma warriors (the local tribe) do an incredible choreographed number--which is usually done with a large snake, but I missed that one-- where dance circles would form with the local people gathering around to see the different patterns of dance and costumes of their people.  Just near the dance session was a Catholic church called Bujora, which I visited, illustrating the blend of modern and traditional cultures in the homily and the architecture.  The Sukuma people are one of the biggest tribes in Tanzania and are mostly peaceful farmers (however many have jobs in the city now), practicing modern and ancient traditions, as well as having a deep respect for the forces of nature and their ancestors.   Most of the people I worked with in the field were from the Sukuma tribe.

July was actually a very difficult month for me.  Not only was I dealing with uncertainty around my job situation, but also both of my dogs died! The older male dog “Crocodile” caught a really bad airborne virus and just was not strong enough to fight it off.  He was already 10 years old.  The other dog “Cheetah” died from poisoning, supposedly by thieves who threw a piece of poisoned food over my fence as part of their master plan to break in the house.  Actually, the day that Cheetah got fatally sick was when the thieves had cut another large hole into my fence the night before (for the second time), likely when my security guard was sleeping or collaborating with them.  Needless to say, he was fired and nothing was stolen.  But it was unnerving to have this happen twice and my second dog die within weeks of my departure.  Very sad.  My gardener and I buried both dogs in the backyard and said a prayer for their entrance to doggie heaven or wherever their spirits go.  This was at the same time that one of my colleagues from Geita, a 36 year old mother, passed away from complications due to a blood clot in her leg--- much too young to die, but only God knows why that happened.  My supervisor and team went to her funeral in another part of the country. 

After filling out those incident reports, low and behold about a week later, 2 thieves broke into my locked car and stole my backpack, which had my work computer, my house keys, my iPod, and a few other electronic items.  I had parked on a major road during daylight hours and went grocery shopping, and came back 5 minutes later to see that my door was busted and my backpack was gone.  I was so mad and shocked, and asked the local storeowners if they saw anything, but not a word or a witness!  No doubt these guys were tracking me.  So I went with a coworker to report it to the police and of course to my employer, but felt it was pointless since many police officers are corrupt anyway.  Since the thieves stole my keys, I was locked out, so I crashed at a hotel that night.  Over the next few days, I figured the computer, with all my important data, was gone and I was trying to grieve these losses one at a time.  Amazingly, about a week later, the lead investigator, who is a local cop with a super tight puma shirt and a big potbelly, promised me that he and his team would find the guys who took my bag.... and they did!  They actually took me to the police station and brought out the 40-year-old poor dude who stole my bag... a raggedy thief and looking clueless and guilty.  I felt bad for him.  I had no words.  So they put him in the rear of a land cruiser and cuffed him to the car seat as we went looking for the guy who bought and re-sold my computer.  Me and the puma-guy and his team went in and out of the shacks within inner-city Mwanza and found the mom and sisters of the buyer, trying to convince them to hand over their guilty relative, as they pointed to me, the do-gooder white guy in need of his stolen laptop! It was like out of a movie.  A series of other events happened which eventually led the cops to find the laptop from a forth buyer about 100 km away, but my belief is that the police had the laptop the whole time... just waiting for my USD$200 tip.  The cop actually described how the computer was stolen, step-by-step and the thieves only sold it for $250! He also told me how many murder and theft cases he cracked, boasting how good he was.  Anyhoo, the cop gave me the re-formatted laptop and luckily I had backed up most of my data.  What a crazy experience!  I learned the importance of always being aware of my surroundings and sadly, that sometimes a little “incentive” helps to get the job done in working with a corrupt institution.  

Of course these were isolated negative events which occurred in succession, for which I am not casting blame or hatred, but accepting that the bad comes with the good anywhere on earth at anytime.  Its just part of life.  I hold my time in TZ close to my heart as a positive experience.      

During the first part of August, I mostly spent time with my Tanzanian friends, enjoying the moments which remained and also visited a field site north of Mwanza to observe how another US-based NGO is using USDA funds to implement a school feeding program with local partners, training teachers and parents to carry out healthy food preparation and organize the people to build new classes and buy books for the kids.  Very innovative work for sure!  I had a chance to do some shopping, say goodbye to friends, and come back home in mid August, just in time for a big family reunion-which is what I was longing for.  I was able to stop in Nairobi on my way home for informational interviews and also visit some of my childhood spots like my old house and school.  Honestly, I am very happy with the work I was able to accomplish: assisted with the management of 2 health projects, visited various communities in the field at least 15 times to assist with multiple projects, built capacity of a few local co-workers on evaluation methods, assisted with proposal writing and strategic planning, wrote technical reports, and learned about budgeting/finance.  I also hiked to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, visited beautiful beaches and the Serengeti, formed meaningful relationships with Tanzanians, and fell in love.  I learned how to live in the moment, appreciate the people and events around me, and make the most of each day.   

I am now staying with my family in Martinsburg, West Virginia (eastern tip just near DC) for the time being as I search for another international development job that is a right fit for me.  I'm hoping to return to the field as soon as possible, preferably to Eastern or Southern Africa, to continue building my experience as a public health technical specialist.  I've had a few interviews and I turned down what looked like an offer because it was not the right job for me.  So as I part of my selectiveness yet openness to work and travel, I know there are inner tensions I must deal with.  It's an uncomfortable and uneasy place to be for sure.  I knew that with no guarantee of employment, the next step would not be automatic, so that realization is helping harness my patience. 

With patience and consciousness, I am trying to accept the present uncertainties, trusting God has a plan for me and is continuing to inter-work that plan through my life, using those setbacks and challenges of the past as I put in my effort and live with passion and focus.   I know this is a temporary state right now and I have faith that the goals I have in mind for my future will somehow come to fruition, learning to be grateful for the good times I've had, for what I've been given, and to simply keep looking and moving forward.   I know there are a lot of people out there in my position, so I'm thankful to have support of friends and family to help get me through this tough time.   It helps me to remember this Buddhist quote: “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” 

At the Crossroads

 “At one village near Lake Victoria, where some community members have received training and support, a 14 year old female takes care of her four younger sisters and brothers plus her grandfather. The grandfather is so old and ill that he cannot engage in any productive economic activity. On occasion, this orphan and vulnerable child (OVC) does not attend school because she must go to the lake shore to beg for fish from fishermen (sometimes in exchange for sex) to feed the family and will try to sell the fish to meet the needs of her siblings.  All children living in this household, including the OVC, do not have enough food to meet their basic nutritional needs, nor access most of basic requirements for a descent livelihood.  She has little time to attend classes with little support from neighbors.  All of this has led to a persistent feeling of low well being as reported by this young girl.”  

-Excerpt from a recent report of a home monitoring visit in the field as part of the OVC Household Strengthening Project

Unfortunately, heart wrenching stories like these are too common out here in the rural zones of Tanzania.  After carefully researching/analyzing at least 30 maps as part of our organizational strategic planning process, I found that high rates of food insecurity, child labor, HIV, gender disparities, child mortality, and water-related shocks are some of the key development challenges affecting some of the most drought-affected and impoverished regions of the country.  If this burden isn’t high enough, the discrimination against albinos and women in addition to many corrupt government officials and poorly implemented health/education policies at all societal levels prevents many households such as this one from escaping the cycle of poverty.  Through my many project assignments and field visits, I’ve heard some of these stories and talked with local project partners/leaders about how to resolve these issues, and there is never an easy solution when structures are set against the poorest of the poor.  Nevertheless, there is still hope and good things being done by a host of NGOs.  I’ve been privileged enough to see some of these changes at the household level, where families can get a microloan to send their child to school, build a brick house, or start a new business, in addition to farmers with highly profitable produce to lift up the well being and income of the family.  Many well intentioned families are stuck in the crossroads of poor infrastructure/policies in addition to old practices/beliefs which hinder progress while also finding new and innovative ways to save money and invest it in the lives of their family members.

It’s cool to see how national NGO staff members work with partners and villagers to change lives through the support and training they provide.  Nevertheless, there are disappointing moments when you see partner staff misuse the money we give them and sleep on the job when they should be supporting and educating the needy.  One guy who works at a local community based group was sleeping during a recent microfinance meeting at a lake island community, chatting on facebook, then sleeping with his mistress each night!  There are strong partners though who have solved complex problems and it’s our job to facilitate that process of problem solving in the implementation and monitoring of good social programs that achieve results.  I hope to continue making a contribution in these sorts of projects keeping in mind stories like this 14 year old girl and the overall purpose of my time here in Tanzania (TZ).  

The work so far has been challenging but rewarding in the last few months.  In collaboration with staff, I drafted and submitted vulnerability mapping and annual reports for my organization’s country program, organized the logistics for a community health worker training on a new tuberculosis project, learned a lot about finance and procurement and donor rules/regs through a bunch of workshops, co-facilitated an OVC training, met with local government officials and went to the field at least 5 times for project visits.  Through my fellowship evaluation, I’ve learned more about how I work with others, learned about my strengths/skills and challenges, and set new goals for myself.  Overall, it’s been a positive experience with a few glitches along the way of course.

I’ve also gotten a chance to get to know my colleagues more as friends and deepen other friendships outside of work.  In April, I held my first house party for local NGO staff which I had originally planned to do 5 months ago, but I’m always in the field.  Everyone said they had a good time and we stayed up late listening to music, dancing, and telling stories.  I spent time with friends in Dar over Easter and had a chance to visit a nearby island which resembled the beaches of Zanzibar… amazing! I’ve also gotten to know other people through social events such as going to see live bongo shows (local youth music here), and volunteering a few times at an orphanage center.  At the center, I had a chance to kick around the football (soccer) a few times with the kids, in which they outran me and scored on me a few times… all in good fun!  The kids and especially villagers love to call me Masanja when I go to the field, which is my local Sukuma (tribe near Mwanza) name which I was told means “togetherness” but is often associated with the national comedian in TZ named Masanja.   In May, visited the museum dedicated to Julius Nyerere (first president of TZ) where I had a chance to get a tour by his daughter Rosemary and see his big library, place where he lived, and also his gravesite.  It was pretty amazing to feel the spirit of the great founding father of the nation and learn about his history.  I also visited the Sukuma museum near Mwanza to check out some dancing/drumming and cultural history with my gardener, so that was super fun.  Just this past week, some colleagues took me out to dinner for my birthday to eat local fish and also give me a couple gifts/ souvenirs to remember them.  Good times!

I’m definitely gonna miss this country and my friends here, but I knew this fellowship was only for a year and new opportunities lie ahead.  I’ve learned more about myself and gained new skills.  I am for sure at the crossroads of the next step in my career, trusting that God will provide for me exactly the right type of position and new experience as I seek these positions and remain open to new adventures.  I have my sights set on becoming a more experienced technical health program manager in international development, but who knows what will happen next.  Life is full of twists and turns and surprises, so I am looking forward and preparing for the next step.  I’m so thankful for all the prayers and support from friends and family during this time and eternally grateful for all the experiences I have had in Mwanza, Dar, and in the field.  Let’s see what happens.  It may take me a while to reach my goals, but I’ll get there eventually. 

There is a Swahili proverb which sums it up nicely: “Kawia ufike… ukiona vyaela vimeundwa”— “better to delay and get there… the important thing is to reach your goal b/c nothing comes out of nothing, and one must work for what one wishes to achieve”

New Visions from the Heights to the Shores

From the roof of Africa to the whitesand shores and turquoise waters of Zanzibar, living and traveling in Tanzania almost feels like a dreamscape of incomparable sights and sounds.  God has been gracious enough to give me a glimpse of this rich and bio-diverse land, along with many meaningful work and personal relationships and memorable experiences. In the past couple months, I’ve spent time in the capital city “Dar”, worked in Arusha, took 2 weeks of vacation to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro (Kili) and visit the tourist attractions of TZ with my family, and also went on several field site visits around Lake Victoria.  I’m just now returning from Dar to Mwanza after a weeklong workshop of strategic planning and visioning with my colleagues to determine the new directions that my organization will take in TZ for the next 5 years.  I’ve filled my time in between with reading, reflecting, and chillin’ with friends.   

In December, a very close and dear Tanzanian friend of mine got into a car accident and I spent two weeks in Dar to help her with her recovery from a fractured vertebrae giving a bit of therapy and exercise.  That was pretty scary since she lost total consciousness after being hit by a truck, which caused her car to flip over thrice.  But angels were watching over and I got a chance to spend Christmas and New Years with her and her family, enjoying the beaches of Dar as well as a quiet office, catching up on some work.  In January I went to the field to monitor the OVC/HIV project two times and to assist with trainings.  I really enjoy being with my colleagues/partner group in the field, witnessing the positive work they are doing.  I also come across disturbing situations.  One lady, who claimed she was being punished by the “directors” (ie. gods of nature) seemed to be demoralized, hanging her head as she pointed out her little mini-sweat lodge with her dejected grandchildren looking on.  Pretty sad actually b/c the kids are all vulnerable and not even getting enough food to eat or the chance to attend school during their grandmother’s period of self punishment.  Other families however are making good use of their microloans and saving up to invest in new businesses.  Sitting down over a cold beer, the staff from our partner organization recently told me they wish I could stay longer to work with them, so that was touching.  I am already missing them.  I’ve been blessed to have such an animated and dynamic supervisor along with supportive colleagues in the field. 

I also went to Arusha in Jan. to visit 2 different sites to help document water projects (Gates Foundation and privately funded) via video/audio/foto methods and learned so much about how we are dealing with climate change/deforestation here along with working in schools and villages where whole people groups cannot access descent water or land to live on, partly b/c of unjust policies and land grabs.  I helped guide the water team in assembling a documentary about the projects, which I hope will be out by the time I leave TZ.  Of course, many thanks goes to my sister-in-law Kelly for her guidance on how to properly edit and document these stories.  I also got a chance to visit a local lake, some pubs, and drive by the international criminal court on genocide from Rwanda, which is closing up now.  Pretty chill town, with cool weather and truly an international flavor.  It’s actually the center of Africa in terms of latitude.  I visited a Masaai boma as well and learned how they are adapting to climate change, altering their lifestyle from pastoral to farming, which is a means of survival; no one is untouched!

While I was in Arusha, I climbed to the peak of Mt. Kili with 2 friends and 20 porters!  This is the highest mountain in Africa standing at 19,850 feet and the tallest free standing mountain in the world, so it felt pretty amazing to get to the top, especially knowing that all the snow might be melted by 2025 b/c of deforestation at the foothills, which actually made that part a bit sad as we ascended, seeing only half the glaciers that I used to see from a distance as I child when I lived in Kenya.  The highest point is called Uhuru “freedom” peak and it took 6 days to reach and 1 day to descend.  The last 3000 feet before reaching the peak was really difficult b/c of the incline and the thin air, not to mention it involved a 7 hr hike with almost no sleep.  Some people had to turn back before reaching the peak b/c of altitude sickness, but thankfully we were all able to make it to the top, although i should have prepared my  body more than i did.  I think b/c I was determined to reach my goal and also see the most amazing sunrise of my life (see the photos).  It really felt as though I was peering into space looking over those massive glaciers named after different explorers and distant mountain ranges and vast seas of white clouds just below the peak.  It was breathtaking just seeing such a deep blue sky and breathing such clean air.  Nothing like it for sure!  I really felt that I achieved a life goal and proud that I could make it after my dad had climbed it in the 1990s.  So that was well worth the couple thousand dollars of savings I put into that and all the effort.   We had a great team and an awesome guide who I ended up becoming good friends with.  We had a lot of good conversations on the way up, learning about flora and fauna, walking through the rain forest, desert lands, low lying clouds and taking in the beautiful sights.  It rained only 1 time and none of us got sick, thank God!  Our neighbor’s tent at the base camp however was picked up by a dust storm and blew down the mountain several hundred feet, so that gave everyone a little scare.  All in all, it was an incredible journey. 

In February, I had the added bonus of getting another week off to tour through the Serengeti and Zanzibar with my mom, dad, and sister, who flew all the way out to see me and visit my home in Mwanza.  We had an awesome time, seeing lots of wild game (even 3 leopards at the same tree) and swimming in the crystal clear water of Zanzibar.  We went on a really cool spice tour, which is the claim to fame for the island since the days of when the Sultan of Oman ruled over this treasure trove of natural riches… learning about the agronomy and uses of cloves, vanilla bean, cinnamon bark, nutmeg, among others.  Our well educated local tour guide also gave us an intense politico-historico-religious tour, teaching us such things as the disparities of taxation policies and mineral rights between the mainland and the island and the unique flavor of how Islam is practiced in this kick back tourist setting.  To see an Indian man running a business with Black Tanzanians working for him and fully veiled women with Arab heritage and white tourists as customers might be common scene in the marketplace... a place of diversity and much tolerance where mosques and chapels are located side by side.  Religious tolerance isn’t always prevalent in TZ b/c of political divisions and even historical bitterness of determining who actually owns what property when it comes to churches and schools.  As a piece of trivia, the first building with electricity in Africa was in Stone Town, Zanzibar, a place ruled by the Portuguese, Brits, Omanis, and local tribes.  This diverse set of “rulers” also brought a horrible legacy of slavery, but we were glad to see that there was a strong history of abolition on the island.  Actually, when we were at the museum which discussed slavery, we ran into a former president of TZ who happened to be just strolling through the building.  I almost said “shikamoo” to him which is a sign of respect here, but he didn’t look in my direction. 

I especially enjoyed the annual music festival “Sauti Za Busara”= “Sounds of Wisdom” in this town, which is where we stayed.  There were 40 African music/dance groups performing over 5 days at an old colonial fort, full of tourists and locals (mostly the former).  I went with my dad and sister for one day to take in the sounds of Africa and watch the old and young people of all colors dance to the music.  I can’t forget about the 2 hour boat trip that my dad and I made to a remote mini-island (frequented by Bill Gates and other heavy hitters) to go snorkeling, in which about 4 women got sea sick and puked for about 1 hour off the side into the deep blue sea!  We finally made it to the reef and enjoyed the swim, but I don’t think I have ever seen sea water that purely blue with no sign of pollution, except for the puke of courseJ The sand on every beach seemed to be untouched and virgin, although I know the place is teeming with tourists… especially Italians for some reason.  I hope to go back some day for sure.

Through work and personal relationships, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, my wishes for the future, and my professional skills.  In mid Feb, my two supervisors and the country director gave me feedback via a six month evaluation and for the most part, I am doing well, except for a few minor things that can easily be adjusted.  I’ve taken initiative on a few different innovations and suggested new ways of doing things within the organization, which were received well by some and not others, but I’m learning that working inside an NGO requires good communication and diplomacy when it comes to convincing people of new methods.  I’m up against a larger structure and sometimes larger egos.  Anyhoo, I’m learning and hope that I’ll get the support I need to move forward.  I don’t know yet what the job opportunities are available with my organization or where they will place me next, but I wish for my time here to be longer since I feel I’ve connected so much with the land and the people already.  It looks like I only have two more months left in country to complete my fellowship so I will make the best of what I have.  I’ll be writing and editing a lot of documents, project documentation, learning finance and policies, and going on site visits.  My hope is to continue working as a program manager, but some things are out of my control.  Staying busy has been good for me and I feel pretty healthy, just tired sometimes.  I’m just enjoying the time for what it is and learning to live in the here and now, seeing myself in new ways as well as people around me, building upon my vision for the future as to what might be possible in my life.