Matters of the Heart

Laughter, gratefulness, joy, play, contentment, confidence, hope, strength, faith, teamwork, friendship, spontaneity, openness, commitment, risk, relationship, meditation, reflection, renewal, poetry, prayer, inner power, wisdom, and most of all love…..  these words describe some of what I have felt and experienced in the last five months since my last blog entry.  Check out the private link I sent out to my photo gallery to get a sense of what all of this looks like for me.  If you have not seen it, then email me and I can send it to you.  

I said a prayer during Christmas last year, giving thanks for all the good gifts in my life but I asked God for help to restore some sense of balance and happiness to my life after a long and hard year of working abroad…. and that prayer has been answered ten fold.  My quality of life has improved so much since December that I still have to pinch myself sometimes to check if this is all really happening.  Here are some of the good things that have unfolded recently:  my Timorese health team is responding better to me and connecting with me on a personal and professional level, our team successfully launched the new Korean funded Maternal Child Health project and a birth registration project, I lost over 20 pounds by eating and exercising A LOT, I moved to a new apartment and bought a new motorbike which makes life so much more enjoyable and accessible, my mom came to visit me in March here in Dili and we had some good bonding time, I started learning Portuguese and joined the dance group again to learn a new salsa choreography, and THE most important and life-giving development in my life is falling in love with my dear friend and dance partner Sara. 

Sara is from Portugal and works as a legal advisor to the public defender here in Dili.  She and I are continuing to rehearse with the salsa dance group and hope to perform again in the coming months.  As she and I start building our lives together with her beautiful 4-year old daughter Maria, I ask myself how could I possibly be so lucky and so blessed, other than just to acknowledge it must all be part of the bigger plan.  Now I realize, more than ever before, that when love hits you, you just feel it in your bones… its unmistakable and undeniable; it sinks into you deep down like an anchor in the ocean depths that doesn’t let go… an anchor to a place that feels like home.  She met my mom so I hope that very soon, she has a chance to meet many of you who are reading this entry.

During the last few months, I’ve been able to witness breathtaking sunsets, go out to new restaurants and social dance sessions, host a barbeque housewarming dinner at my new place with coworkers,  visit Jaco Island to snorkel amidst the intricate and colorful fish and coral, and chill out at the beach and camp and swim from time to time (and even wakeboard near Dili).  This time I didn’t do this alone as I have done in the past;  doing all these things with Sara makes all of this so much better.  Meeting her friends, playing with her daughter, and exploring the world together are some of the new and exciting things happening now.     

Work is going pretty well, however I have not been to the field a lot.  I have little time for development of my technical skills b/c most of my time is consumed with staff management and hiring, supporting local partner staff projects, monitoring budgets and lots of team meetings.  I enjoy the work but it is not consuming my life like it did last year, which is a welcome change for me and for the people around me.  As I open up more to people around me, let them into my inner world, I truly feel that life itself and all its hidden gifts and surprises opens up to me and it’s a positive cycle of giving and receiving in the natural order of things with the stuff that really matters—relationships.  My body, mind, and spirit are in a much better place now compared to last year;  I look at the sun in the morning and evening with a new sense of awe and appreciation.  Love is flowing in me and through me, swirling around me, and carrying me forward each day.     All of this may sound new, a bit over the top… a bit different from my past blog updates, but life has offered me something new and I am partaking in it and committing to it with a full and whole heart and happy to share this with friends and family.  No hesitations, not holding back, and giving myself to the moment and to the people in my life.  I believe that the near and distant future holds many good promises and I am looking forward what unfolds and to sharing this unfolding process with those who are reading this.

Dancing Days and Precious Moments

Liberata, 32, with 5 children. “It’s difficult to take my children to the hospital because it is far and we have no transport money; its $5 using a mikrolet [local bus].  We get money from planting corn, beans, cassava and selling them in the local market, but we use this money to support the children at school and buy food for the family.  When they are sick, I take them to the [recently repaired] clinic to get medicine. Last month I took Saturnina to the clinic and then she was referred to the hospital because “she had a respiratory infection.”   Now Liberata and her children can walk easily to the clinic, which our organization rehabilitated and just inaugurated this month.  The clinic is now staffed by a doctor, nurse, and midwive.  – interview on Dec 4, 2013

The last 6 months in Timor Leste have been action packed, but the top highlight was the dance performance (2 times), in front of crowds over a hundred people; one at a hotel and the other at a sports complex with my new friends (see the photo gallery).  I decided it was time to meet more people and do something I am passionate about- Latin dance- so I took some classes and found myself agreeing to perform in public.  There were 12 of us who practiced for months to master the choreography sequence; mostly Portuguese and a couple of Aussies and Americans and a Timorese guy.  We put together quite a show of various styles: belly dance, oriental solo, bollywood, tango, kizomba, bachata and waltz/salsa.  I only danced the latter 2 styles, but it was so much fun and lots of work, with 3-4 practice sessions per week. 

“Stay grounded, keep centered, knees bent slightly, feel the rhythm and let the beat carry your hips forward…you will be fine, just smile at the audience and have fun!” -- guidance from my dance instructor/partner and my friend Sara.  I take these words as a life lesson. The whole experience taught me some valuable lessons of teamwork, confidence, balance, coordination, posture, and going with the flow, so all that practice was worth it.  I never would have guessed that I would get that opportunity in Dili, but dance performance is pretty popular here.  At the Timorese version of “So you think you can dance” in Dili (a separate event), there were over 7 groups of teenage dancers showing their salsa-kizomba skills and mash-ups of traditional Timor and modern dance/hip hop music.   Pretty talented!

There is plenty of activities that kept me busy every day --work, tennis lessons, some chill time, dancing, etc. but I’m finding that it’s a lot of busy-ness and not much time is left for being-ness, which is a tricky balance for most people, so I am glad to have this time of rejuvination after a year of service abroad…. to pray, spend time at with loved ones, reflect, and read.   Its been a good year but as usual, my expectations are too high so I am re-calibrating and re-prioritizing and seeking now to achieve a bit better physical and spiritual health, which has been a bit compromised with all the work.  Seeking to improve community health and building cross-cultural bridges are things that are deeply meaningful to me and I enjoy the work, but it’s not easy. I am however, learning the importance of wellness and good health in my own life as I serve others, which can be draining at times.  Striving towards wellness, in all dimensions, for myself and for those around me, is a priority for 2014 as I seek to build my technical skills and spiritual disciplines. 
 

We recently received news from our donor about the big health proposal...  Thanks to the efforts of our team and for the kindness of the Korean people (and of course some help from the big Man above), we were awarded a 3 year grant to carry out a maternal and child health project in rural Timor, which will start next year.  The project will involve teaching volunteers to help families manage common childhood illnesses at the household level, rebuilding clinics, and training government health staff.  Starting such a 3 yr project is a bit daunting, knowing I am the lead manager on this, but I’m happy to have a supportive boss as we build our team.    I will also be starting a small birth registration project with our team next month so a lot will be on my plate, in addition to writing new proposals and managing old projects.  Many Timorese families don’t register their children at birth, either because they are born at home and there is no follow up, or the priest gives a new name at baptism, which nullifies the registered name.  We were happy to also complete our malaria project, in which no malaria cases were reported in our project area and now families are equipped with bed nets, although our volunteers will receive much less support. 

Our team participated in several trainings in the past few months on how to build awareness around disability, on disaster risk reduction, on youth financial literacy, and behavior change communication, increasing their skill set as they advise our local partners and field staff to better serve children and their families.  Staffing issues have been challenging, especially motivating some staff, which have delayed some of original project plans, so I’ve had done a few coaching sessions and feel I am connecting with our health staff, but its slow.  Our regional director visited in August and was impressed with the progress our staff are making, as he witnessed our volunteers educate moms on malaria prevention and he played with kids at our revitalized Early Childhood Development center.  One of the farmer groups in the area he visited has started their own chicken and gardening project with just a few resources that we gave them, and appears sustainable so far.  Our other local staff teams went to learn about successful projects in Indonesia and shared lessons with us. 

In October, we held a big march and song & theatre performance with exhibition tables at our 75^th anniversary and in November, I attended a training in Bangkok, Thailand on a new software package for business development (see gallery photos).  The Buddhist temples in Bangkok are breathtaking and other-worldly and the tuk-tuk drivers (motor taxis with cabs) are quite entertaining.   My colleagues and I took a 1 hour detour through the city because the tuk-tuk guy was convinced we needed a “happy” massage, completely misinterpreting our message to find a place to go shopping.  We finally took a taxi home, but it was funny watching the facial responses of my former boss during this little fiasco, not knowing where we would end up.   

In December, we held an inauguration ceremony of a rural government clinic that we renovated (mentioned above), which was a big achievement for us and interviewed some families.  Just this past week I started my home leave and visited Bali, then went to see some friends in Sumatra- Indonesia, which was my first time to this part of the country.  Beautiful land and kind people!  I took a nice long shower in very tall waterfall, chatted with the locals, and had a chance to reconnect with old friends.  Finally the holidays have arrived so time to just chill.  One my fellow salsa dancers is a US navy guy and he had some of us over at his camp for thanksgiving, so it was nice to be with some fellow Americans during this important tradition.   2013 was a good year and I believe 2014 will be even better, God Willing- Maromak Hakarak, full of learning, wellness, imagination, creativity, and new opportunities.

Thriving in a New Home

“There are two things you should remember when you work with the people of Timor Leste.  First keep in mind that this is a new country and capacity of people in rural areas is often low and working with them requires patience and understanding;  Second, if you work together in cooperation with the Timorese and you don’t impose your way on them, then they will be open sharing themselves with you, but if you come with all of the answers, they will resist you, as they have done to occupiers in the past.”  This is a paraphrased quote from my Timorese co-worker who responded to the question of how foreigners can best work alongside the local population in the process of development.  It is advice that I have taken to heart and I’m trying to apply it in my daily work and personal life here in this beautiful, challenging, complicated, and peaceful country. 

Over the past three months, I’ve been super busy, handling a truckload full of work duties (reports/meetings/field visits/proposals), and it’s just now easing up a bit so I can breathe being that the financial year of my organization is over, which ended on June 30^th.   I spent most of April finalizing a proposal for a 3 year maternal child health project, which we submitted to the Korean Aid Agency in mid-May, so we hope to hear soon about the decision on that.  I am praying that we are given this $800k grant b/c I feel that it really meets a need and it will be exciting to help launch a brand new project.  My health team members and I hosted a couple monitoring visits with donors from Australia, and also did some team building activities in the midst of finishing out our spending/implementation of the two health projects.   May/June was a bit crazy but we achieved nearly all of our targets, so of course we are all super happy about that.  Our team went out for a lunch to celebrate and actually, I’ve had a chance to hang out with various co-workers on different occasions in the last couple months, getting to know them a bit better; going to movies, the beach, playing pool, and special dinners. 

In fact, my boss invited me and my other expat co-workers to his house for a nice dinner on my birthday, which was refreshing to be out of the office to get to know my colleagues a bit better.  Earlier that day, my co-workers gave me a bitter-sweet surprise for my birthday, which as flattering but startling at the same time.  The national staff decided to gang up and make me believe that one of my staff was going to quit b/c I was “too harsh” in correcting/editing one of her reports!!  Imagine what that was like!  They all crowded around me, staring at me, and accusing me of misconduct at work in their very convincing acting mode and even took pictures, which shocked me of course... then all the sudden they said "surprise, just kidding!!" They told me that they do that for people they really care about and the tension, followed by the relief of smiles, was meant to bring me closer to them and make the surprise sweeter; the sweetness included a nice little choco-coconut cupcake.  I took it lightly, and saw the sentiment behind it, but honestly I was shocked and embarrassed at the moment, then happy with all the love they gave me afterward.   Strangely, after that bitter-sweet moment, I do feel closer to them now, and the members of my team seem to trust me and open up to me, so I’m happy about that.  

I was actually concerned when I first got here about how to be a good leader; one who can inspire and earn the trust and motivation of the staff, but I’m slowly learning how to do that through building my relationship with each person at the office and in the field.  The national staff members try to get me to sing at their karaoke event every Friday at the office, but I refuse b/c I can’t sing, however I did bust a few dance moves when they sung country.  They have pretty good voices, especially singing to John Denver’s “Country Roads!”  Aside from that, even though one of my staff members had some serious personal issues he had to deal with and had to resign last week, we are pressing on and the all the sector teams are growing stronger.  I’ll see what my boss is says at my upcoming performance evaluation meeting, but I’m confident that change is slowly happening. 

Our local partner colleagues were a bit more difficult to work with during the annual planning process last month, and many were resistant to change,  preferring to repeat the easy patterns of the past (activity-based projects), rather than focusing on results or impact.  When presenting new ideas to our local partners on how to improve the impact of their health projects using a structured framework for next fiscal year, only a few of them paid attention to the session and afterward, one of them actually asked me not to give them any orientation, but just let them do their plan as they did in the past.  I knew there would be challenges in the field, but maybe not this intense.  Sometimes I wonder if this line of work is really what I am supposed to be doing in my life right now, when the work never seems to end and I’m writing tons of reports and trying to keep my team on task, but then I remember those moments when I connect on a personal level with someone from a different race, class, and culture and realize it’s all worth it.  I think I’d rather be working within a culture and people different than myself than anywhere else at this time in my life. When I look honestly at myself and my skills and interests, I feel that [at least for now] I was meant to work cross-culturally, to organize projects, to lead, learn from, and teach others, to find solutions to tough public health problems, and to be out of my comfort zone.  

The US is my home country and my roots are American, but when I was back there last year and also after returning from the Peace Corps, the US didn’t really feel like it was meant to be my permanent home.  I am realizing more and more that my home is where I in am in the world, doing what I am passionate about, and being fully absorbed in the socio-cultural-historical context where I am serving and living.  The challenge I have now is truly finding my home and thriving here, rather than just surviving day to day to complete the next task.   I hope to settle down in one place for a longer period of time with a family of my own, but I am still finding new ways of what it means to “settle down” as I sojourn through this world in the different adventures and chapters of my life.  Maybe in the future, I will settle in the countryside with my little garden and happy and relaxed life, but life isn’t that simple and there is much work to do. 

Last month, I joined one of my co-workers to celebrate her daughter’s first communion at a local beach, being that over 90% of the population here is Catholic.  I had a chance to get to know her family and had lots of fun playing on the beach with all of the kids from her extended family who completely surrounded me, asking me who is my favorite football player and insisting on calling me “mister, mister” despite telling them my name at least 5 times!  The kids did enjoy the game “monkey in the middle” when I showed them how to play but they didn’t seem to understand the famous “chicken fight” game, which is fine.  No need to push each other!  I had a great conversation with the secretary of state of Asian affairs at the celebration, who is the relative of our admin staff.  In the office, I stay pretty busy with planning and reporting, but the English skills of many staff still need a lot of work and sometimes I find myself having to nearly re-write reports.  I struggle to communicate basic things with some staff, which takes a lot of time, so patience is really a virtue in this work.  Nevertheless, I’m learning more Tetum when I go to the field and learning how to work with my expat colleagues.  I have had chances to get to know a few other expats in town, doing some networking, but need to get out more.  My Filipina friend/co-worker left to work in another Asian country so I’m a bit sad she left since I felt she was one of the few who really understood my style and I could relate to her well, but I’m meeting more peeps over time.  This job is a lot about how to relate better to people, including my boss(es), even more than the projects themselves and if one of my co-workers benefits from my teaching, that is great, but I’m probably benefitting more from what they teach me about myself and the world. 

I am looking forward to a break in Bali in the next couple months and also to my dad’s visit to Dili next week.  He’ll be here on a consultant assignment and also to visit me, so we’ll have a chance to tour around the island.  I was fortunate to visit Jaco Island to the east on their independence day weekend (May 20)  to do some snorkeling, and got to know a few Aussies, Brits, and Timorese, as well as see an amazing sting ray and elaborate coral reef formation.  In March, I was also lucky enough to join my pastor and his family to fly over Dili in a small airplane run by “Mission Aviation Fellowship” and got to see the city from a whole new perspective (check out the pics on picasa)… pretty amazing being in those little planes.  I also was able to visit Atauro Island to the north with some co-workers and enjoy some tasty fish and swimming clear blue water, so I’ve been able to sneak in a bit of leisure time.  Of course, having a nice balance of work and fun is the goal, so am striving towards that.

Cultural Shape Shifting

Adjusting to life in Dili is not as easy as I thought it might be and the people are teaching me more about myself each day but I’m at peace about living here and happy to be in this place.    Living in another culture totally different from my own is not a new experience for me however each new cross cultural experience brings its own challenges different from the rest, and its own interesting and unexpected moments.  Even after all my years adjusting and adapting to new environments, I can’t help but notice the small things that are quite different from life back home and from life in Africa and the Caribbean, unique to this place.  These include vegetable carts with booming disco music to attract customers, locals walking around 15-20 minutes in a store with their motorbike helmet on b/c there is nowhere to store it (tons of bikers here), the elaborate gift giving system between family members when someone dies (sometimes beyond the means that people can afford--including up to 10 buffalos and $1000 to the family of the deceased), and the unique blend of animist and Catholic traditions in the faith of everyday people.  I am so impressed but often confused when I hear conversations of locals mixing words of the local language, Indonesian, English, and Portuguese in the same paragraph, so I wonder how I will ever learn Tetum, but I am learning slowly.  I can see the Timorese have a strong sense of autonomy and solidarity, being the one small island out of 17,000 islands that broke free from Indonesia control. 

In the office, I am learning how to better relate to the national staff as I do my work, by accepting that work ethics between their culture and mine is different, and there are always reasons for why people do what they do.  I think the universal need for mutual respect and trust will always win over any cultural differences and I am learning more how to demonstrate that in small and more significant ways.  It feels a bit weird to supervise someone older than me, from another culture, and diplomatically propose new changes and ways of doing things, while building up the natural skills and talents of the staff.  I do however feel that my team is understanding my role more and vice versa… bit of a struggle at first.  Also, trying to negotiate many different cultures in the same office environment can be a tricky, but full of rich learning.  My co-workers at the office come from a variety of countries including Nigeria, India, Pakistan, the Philippines, Indonesia, and of course Timor Leste (national staff).  On top of that, I also spend time networking with people from other agencies who come from Australia, UK, Italy, Nepal, Guatemala, Korea, among others. Of course each culture carries its own way of communicating (accents, lingo, non-verbals) and work ethic and set of expectations so it’s a negotiation process—often very slow, but still fluid and I’m somewhat used to it from my experience living in multiple countries.  I’m finding out how adept or how awkward I can be at times in relating to others, which gives me more self-knowledge and appreciation of others and their unique ways.  Working on projects with others towards a common goal (meeting deadlines) definitely builds awareness of universal things that tie people together…the need for consensus, conflict resolution, as well as the practice of patience, kindness, laughter, and solidarity.  There are frustrating moments when the language barrier seems so thick, its like molasses syrup getting anything done... even the nurses in the field have not changed a 9V battery on their 1 doppler machine for 3 months!! (an important tool for pre-natal check ups).  Lots of lessons to learn every day but being “on point” culturally can be tiring.  It’s kind of like cultural shape shifting, staying who I am but blending into new social situations, shifting/ altering ways of relating to people as the situation demands yet finding ways to build bridges.  So I’m trying to get chill time in the midst of the work.

I know that the experts on cultural studies say that it takes a few months to adjust to a new place and letting go of some of the comforts/habits of one’s own culture and accepting new habits and realities is a process.   Once you stop asking why things happen and accept people are just different all around the world and have their own ways of living/coping/adapting to their environments/cultures, and find a home away from home, then life becomes easier.  I am going through that transition process now, and I feel myself letting go more and more.  Thankfully, my Peace Corps experience has taught me adjust to daily realities different from life in America.  This includes super loud motorbikes without mufflers, total disorder when people line up at cafeterias and corner stores for service, being looked at like an alien in the rural areas, intense humidity/heat, windy and dilapidated roads on field trips, long work days and being a fish out of water, not knowing a lot of people in town, and comfort foods frequently unavailable, even milk!  I am adjusting to those realities without much resistance and have found ways to cherish the unique things of life here, such as abundance of tropical fruits, sights and sounds of the ocean and incandescent sunsets, good cheer of my local co-workers, mandated community clean-up events in the city, and relaxing in my new apartment (with a pool) just by the beach.  I also appreciate all the work of the local and foreign NGOs trying to make life better for the people here and the government officials who sincerely want change for the country.  There are tons of expats here and one can really get engaged in a lot of different social activities if you make the time, which I need to do more of.  I have met people at church and at a few social functions, and I try to get a weekly tennis lesson in so that life here is not all work, but lately, I’ve been working super long days and not sleeping as much as I’d like to.  Slowly but surely, I will find the right balance and rhythm to do my work, to practice necessary disciplines, and to have some fun as well.  The third culture kid in me is finding a way to adjust and drop a bit of my own bias/attitude and pick up the local worldview… sort of a melding of the two which can make me versatile, yet a bit displaced in both the home and the new culture.  It ain’t easy, but its an ebb and flow like the sea on the sand, just slowly being immersed in this new environment and in the end, hopefully reflecting a new me and connecting with people on the way.

I still enjoy the field visits, hand down, for sure.  I went to the field (rural districts) with some colleagues from Korea to learn about the local issues as we write a proposal together with the local staff for a new health grant.  While we were there, we met with community leaders and members, and get an earful of good stuff happening there with our projects, but also complaints from some of the community members about broken promises from local NGOs and our partners.  It’s hard to know both sides of the story without having context but hearing about a plan for a water well that did not come through… a promise made 10 years ago, that still has not been fulfilled was hard to hear.  Many communities assume NGOs will always give stuff, yet its just an assessment of the situation, rather than actual plans.  It’s also hard to hear about the mothers who have to give birth at home with just a traditional birth attendant and have no recourse when the delivery is complicated, leading to increased risk of death and disease.  But those stories and voices need to be heard.  Services are available but they are often inaccessible (sometimes pregnant moms have to walk 5 miles on rough roads to get a pre natal check up), so our job as an NGO is work with the government to increase the access and skills of the workers and the community to manage preventable illnesses through high quality programs and well organized strategies.  I am praying this grant comes through and we hope to have an opportunity to help organize the people to change their own situation (with support of course).    Timor has a long history of foreign occupation, poverty, and freedom fighting, so where there is a threat, opportunities lie ahead.  The people have assets and gifts, especially a legacy of autonomy and standing up for their rights… it’s just a matter of tapping into it and working together with people, to cut through the negative attitudes, corruption, and selfishness, and find a way to build together.  There are definitely priceless special moments that I've experienced here in which I really felt a connection with the people, including my recent field trip in which I received a hand made cloth from a little girl and also had a good feedback session with my co-worker.  So the building together ("hamutuk") is happening bit by bit.